Every Church needs a Meremoth

I’ve been thinking about growing churches this week. I often do. It’s hard not to in a church planting organisation like Co-Mission. But it was forced on me by Nehemiah 3. I’ve never preached on that chapter before. And I approached it with some trepidation. It’s essentially a list of names of people and their contribution to the rebuilding work in Jerusalem. Aren’t you gutted you won’t be at Christ Church Balham on Sunday to hear it? You should be. It’s a fabulous chapter.

Anyway, there’s a bloke called Meremoth. Heard of him? He was the son of Uriah. Ring any bells? Grandson of Hakkoz. No? Me neither. I hadn’t a clue who he was. But I do now. And I’m quite looking forward to meeting him in glory (not least to thank him for his contribution to my sermon).

Amongst this list of people, he’s distinguished by being mentioned twice (3:4 & 21). Apparently in the task of rebuilding the walls, he did that little bit extra. He did what was asked of him and then he did some more. He completed his section of the wall and found that he had the capacity to do another bit.  So he did.

The point is not that we need to be like Meremoth. If we can, then great and we’ll get to that. But some of us won’t be able to. We simply don’t have the capacity, the ability or the opportunity to do any more than we’re doing at the moment. And that’s understandable. As I write this, I can think of one stalwart of our congregation who’s been knocked for six by serious sickness. She’s gutted at not being able to join in the work of growing the Kingdom. But no one’s expecting her to contribute at the moment. She needs us to look after her. And we’ll happily do so because she’s family. And so there will be times and often long periods when we’re unable to get involved as we’d like to. For whatever reason we’re not able to do that little bit extra. And we certainly won’t be able to manage what everyone else is doing. And that’s fine. We don’t need to be like Meremoth. But we do need to appreciate those like him and what they do for the building up of the local church.

But we don’t always feel like that, do we? We can react very differently to the contribution of a Meremoth. Sometimes guys like that wind us up for setting the bar of self-sacrificial service so high. They’re just a bit keen, driven and zealous. They make the Christian life seem unattainable and we don’t like being played offside. And so, it’s not unheard of for us to move beyond plain and simple jealousy to despise them. They can make us angry because they’re denying us what we want; to feel justified by our contribution. But that’s self righteousness.

There are some who work very hard for the growth of the Kingdom at our church. Some of them will remain anonymous either because they prefer it that way or their contribution takes place behind the scenes. But there are people at CCB who have an extraordinary capacity for work and self-sacrifice who are happy to contribute that little bit more. God has given them their capacity for self-sacrifice. And it’s a great gift to the church. People like that aren’t the most important people in our church family. And we mustn’t make the mistake of thinking that they are. But it’s probably true to say that there aren’t many growing churches without people like them. And so we mustn’t forget to appreciate them, to encourage them and especially to thank God for them.

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Ministry – It’s not good for man to be alone!

As a general rule, men in ministry shouldn’t work on their own. Isolation isn’t healthy. After all didn’t God say, ‘It’s not good for a man to be alone’. I know. I know. I’ve taken that completely out of context! But let me explain.

For much of the life of Christ Church Balham, I’ve been working on my own in a study in the family home provided by the church. And in many ways, it’s been great. But sometimes, just for my sanity, I needed to head out to work in the local library. I just wanted to see other people. During this time of working alone I developed a close friendship with the postman! And I’d look forward to a time-consuming trip up to town just to see one of the church lads for lunch. Other staff we’ve employed have had to do the same thing. Because we weren’t working in the same place, we’d meet up every week around our family kitchen table for a staff meeting. We’d arrange to meet up in a local coffee shop to catch up informally or talk through an individual issue. And there’d often be the regular meeting at the Co-Mission Ministry Training Workshop. But overwhelmingly we’d work on our own, in our own spaces.

Part of me loves that. I have a tendency towards introvertedness. It’s either that or I’ve never met anyone I enjoy spending time with quite so much as myself. In which case it’s arrogance. But there are times when I love being shut away to read, study, think, sometimes even pray and to send emails, strategize and write. At times like that, the personal interaction happens virtually. I’d occasionally pick up a phone and talk. But I always feel awkward about doing that with people who otherwise are at work. Their employers don’t pay them to talk to their church minister! In a church like ours, in which the overwhelming majority work up in town, I mainly see people at the weekend or on weekday evenings. But for huge chunks of the day, it’d be me in my study. Home alone. Not any more. Not since we got a church office. And that’s been great. It’s killed my efficiency. It’s undoubtedly harder to get stuff done with the distractions that other staff create. But it’s undoubtedly been good for me and good for the staff team.

It’s been good for me because it’s not good for a man to be alone. Ministry is fundamentally relational. And men (or women) who spend lots of time on their own aren’t preparing well for relational ministry. Gospel ministers need to be people people. And the best ones usually have strong inter-personal skills. It’s hard to develop those when the only person you spend time with is yourself. I don’t doubt that it’s especially difficult for church planters or lone pastors who can’t afford staff teams to address this. But we need to. We need the encouragement and stimulation of others. It’s not good for pastors to spend time in the company of themselves. And so it’s been no surprise to spot Pete Snow in and around the Factory in Raynes Park, even though he’s just launched a church in Putney. And it’s my intention to give Jay Marriner the opportunity to work from the Mews in Balham once Brixton gets up and running. We need one another. It’s good for encouragement, for accountability and simply for normality!

Once you’ve got a staff team, or even apprentices, it’s very hard to build a team spirit if you hardly ever meet. In the past we’ve had situations where the staff and apprentices had a professional relationship but not a personal one. That’s just odd. It ought to be the case that the staff team model Christian relationships to the congregation. The congregation ought to get an idea of how Christian men and women should treat one another from the way we relate. They ought to get an idea of how we submit to one another from the way we treat those in authority. They ought to get an idea of how to serve one another as we serve those for whom we have responsibility. But it was well nigh impossible to develop a staff team dynamic when we worked in separate locations. Before the office we wouldn’t really talk about what we did at the weekend, where we were going on holiday or what we made of the England game. We’d get together and talk strategy, people and rotas. Because we had to. It was all very efficient but not very productive. We’d misunderstand one another. We wouldn’t appreciate one another. And we wouldn’t really encourage and care for one another. That’s different now. The relaxed opportunities created when we tell our new ministry trainee, Dave to go and make the tea (!), or when we grab a bite to each at lunchtime or when we simply want to distract everyone else because we’ve come to the end of our work; those are the chances to talk nonsense and get to know one another.

It’s only since moving into office space that I’ve realised how unhealthy that working in isolation had become. It was unhealthy for us as individuals and also as a team. It would be very hard to go back to that arrangement. And so, congregational members need to look after their minister and their staff. They need to do what’s necessary to get them out of their studies. And if they have a staff team then they need to do what’s necessary to provide them with somewhere to work together. It’ll go pear-shaped if they don’t. The Minister will either go mad from working alone. Or he’ll love being alone, in which case he’ll be hopeless at personal ministry. He might be a great preacher but he’ll be useless with people. And no one profits from that.

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‘Oi, Big Ears!’

When I was at school I was teased relentlessly about the size of my ears. They simply grew that bit faster than my head. I’ll readily admit that there was a degree of disproportionality about them (there is photographic evidence). As a teenager that wasn’t helpful. And so questions like ‘how big are your ears?’ were taunts with which I became uncomfortably familiar. I’m sure it was character forming.

But last night I sat in on one of our small group Bible studies study and, in effect, Jesus asked me the very same question. How big are your ears?

We were looking at Mark 4 and Jesus’ teaching about whether or not we really listen to the word of God. Immediately prior to that section, Jesus draws a distinction between those on the outside and those on the inside of the Kingdom of God. Those on the inside, described as those around him, are distinguished from those on the outside by their determination to do the will of God. Chapter 4 answers the implied question ‘what’s the will of God?’ Listening. Having ears to hear. Paying attention to Jesus’ words. Opening up our ears so that we consider carefully what we hear. That’s the will of God. And Jesus, following on from the parable of the soils in which he identifies some of the things that prevent us from hearing God’s word, makes a promise. ‘With the measure you use, it will be measured to you – and even more’ (24). If we listen to God’s word with big ears, then God will make sure that we hear it, and then some. What. A. Promise.

No doubt many of us approached the New Year with all sorts of resolutions. ‘Being better at reading the Bible’, typically features on my list. Every year, without fail. Sadly making a resolution has proved unfailingly inadequate. But Jesus’ promise (and his subsequent warning) gives me the motivation I need. I don’t want to blank God and suffer the consequences of him withholding spiritual understanding. I don’t want to be denied knowledge of him and his ways. I do want to listen to what he has to say to me about himself and his kingdom. And I’m excited at what he’ll help me understand.

But that’s not enough. This newfound enthusiasm needs to express itself in action. There are all sorts of practical things that I need to do to ensure that my motivation actually leads somewhere. I’ve often found the resources at the Good Book Company a real help. On the personal Bible reading side of things, I’m a big fan of the Daily Study Bible. I’ve recently downloaded the Explore app from Google Play so that I’ve got access to it on my new tablet. But in addition, this website provide us with a wealth of ideas and resources.

But whatever we do, let’ s make sure that we have ears to hear.

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Do you know your cleaners’ name?

It came out when we were looking at James 5:4 together. It’s a verse in which James condemns the wealthy for their failure to pay the wages of their employees.

⁴ Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty.

We weren’t quite sure that we were as guilty as the rich of James’ day were. We weren’t immediately convinced that we exploit our employees in the same way that they had. Most of us in the small group Bible study didn’t have any employees. One or two had cleaners and paid them the going rate. And those of us with kids get babysitters from time to time. And we felt convicted that we ought to take more care of them; paying above the living wage, for example. But we didn’t want to leave it at that.

And then it struck us, the fundamental mistake that the rich were making in James’ day was failing to give their employees what they had every right to expect; namely their wages. And we decided that the motivation underpinning this neglect was nothing less than a complete lack of respect. Somehow the wealthy felt justified in denying justice to people further down the employment food chain. They viewed their employees in such  a way that felt it was reasonable to exploit them. The life of a less well educated, less successful and less influential person didn’t matter as much as that of their own, they thought. And we recognised that very same spirit in our own hearts.

We wondered therefore whether we overook those that work for us in some capacity. If you’re a stay at home Mum, or someone who works from home, do you know your postman’s name? If you work in an office do you know the name of your cleaner? If we don’t, could it be that we think the people beneath us are, in fact, beneath us? In principle, failing to know your cleaner’s name, is surely the same as failing to give people what they have every right to expect; not wages this time, but respect.

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2012 – The Spiritual Highlights (well, mine)

Ministry is usually something of a mixed bag. Often there’s stuff to celebrate. But then there’s usually a fair share of rubbish. And that’s because ministry is essentially a people project. And, as people, we have an extraordinary capacity to both lift the spirit and make make you want to hit the spirits.

There were some definite low moments this year; saying goodbye to my wonderfully loyal assistant minister and good friend, Pete Matthew would be chief among them. He’s now blessing the town of Woking with his uniquely brilliant mix of people skills, organisational savvy, evangelistic fervour and faithful Bible teaching. Though a planned one, he was also a big loss. In more ways than one! (let the reader understand).

But there were some real encouragements this year. And I spent a couple of minutes last night scribbling them down. I didn’t want to forget God’s goodness. I wanted instead to be able to bring to mind the spiritual highlights so that I could rejoice i what God had given me in 2012. And so, in reverse order, sort of, here they are;

10. Theology Breakfast. We launched this in the Autumn term. It’s for the hardcore lover of systematic theology. We meet at 0630 on a Friday morning for an hour before work. Most normal people would prefer to be in bed at that time of the week and that time of the day. We’re no different. It’s just that we love getting our teeth into doctrine so that we might better understand God’s word. We’re a small but enthusiastic crowd. And it’s been a real treat to think through the implications of the Bible’s teaching on itself. This term it’s been the authority, clarity, inerrancy and sufficiency of the scriptures. And it’s been a real treat to go deep in the company of others who share a similar appetite.

9. Balham’s Big Survey, our May mission. There are lots of reasons why I love being in ministry. And mission, if it’s not the chief one, is right up there in the top three. I never want to run a church that exists just for the people who already come to it. We’re not simply about providing Christians with a spiritual home whilst they’re in London. God has given His people a mission; to take the gospel to all people. And we’re not going to ignore that. And so we simply can’t understand and enjoy the great news of the gospel and keep it to ourselves. If others don’t want it; that’s sad. But it’s their call. They’re of age. They can decide. But I do want them to make an informed decision. I want to be certain that they understand what they’re rejecting. And so our annual mission is a real highlight. Our week of concentrated  and perhaps somewhat artificially concerted effort for the gospel does at least make sure that we never let ourselves forget that many people in our networks and in our neighbourhoods have never heard and understood why Jesus Christ matters. This was a week where we put other distractions to one side and focussed especially on providing opportunities for others to come to events and hear the gospel. As per usual, the beneficiaries are not only those that hear it but those that share it. God teaches us that we can do it, that there’s nothing like it and that we can’t go back to being indifferent about the plight of those without it.

8. Taking up residence in the Mews. After more years than has been good for us, we’ve finally got the staff team all working under the same roof. Anyone who enjoys working on their own probably ought not to be in ministry. If they love reading, studying and writing, that’s all very well. But go and be an academic. Just don’t run a church. It’s only now that I realise just how unhealthy it was for me to be working in my own study with very little contact with people during the day. Now that we’re in the Mews, I’m not sure that our productivity has increased. I spend far more time having conversations and interacting with people. But it’s been so much more effective in helping us work together and serve the congregation. And that’s a real blessing.

7. New people. One of the undisputed blessings of being in our post graduate style inner city suburb is that we get new people moving into the area all the time. The downside, of course, is that people are also always moving on. Balham is a stop on the journey, not the final destination. And many of them find their way to us. And that’s a real joy. We love having new people join the congregation. And not simply because I grow tired of the old one. That’s simply a scurrilous rumour! It’s just that I like it when God adds new people to our church family. I like change. I like different. I like new. And so the numbers of people that He keeps bringing to us is a real source of pleasure and thanks.

6. Small Group Ministry. I’m a massive fan of small groups. When they’re done well, they provide a brilliant way of helping people understand and apply the Bible and a brilliant way of generating wonderful Christian community. I’m not at all sure that churches can grow in spiritual maturity without them. The trouble is, they’re not often done well. And so this year we decided to go hard at our small groups and really put some welly into our prep, their organisation and their resourcing. Wonderfully we’re beginning to see the fruit of that. I attend two small groups most weeks and pay attention to what’s going on. It feels like a ministry OFSTED. And that’s alright. I’m there to help. The guys who run the groups can’t expect to be experts. They all have busy, demanding jobs and many have not been trained in the specific skills of handling a small group scenario. That’s where the staff come in. We’re employed to train them. And it’s a real joy to be doing so this year. There’s been a noticeable improvement in the group dynamic and most encouragingly, the appetite for  playing a part in becoming a great small group.

5. Watching Brixton take shape. It’s still very much in the embryonic stage, but Jay Marriner is doing a great job in recruiting, coalescing and pastoring a core group to plan a new church into what he describes as the capital of black Britain, namely Brixton. It’s early days and we’re a way off being able to launch a ‘standard’ Sunday meeting but there’s a dozen or so people who meet every week to study the Bible. He’s meeting new people every month, it seems. He’s meeting up with new contacts and reading the Bible with them. God is giving us the momentum to get something going. We’ve been really serious about praying for this fledgling evangelistic ministry. Jay and I shoot the breeze and talk church planting at least once a week. And then I just look on and watch God make it happen. We’re in God’s hands about what might emerege and when it might happen. And that’s a great place to be!

4. Female Staff. It’s just great having ‘girls’ on the team. It felt a little odd having an all male staff team, much as I love Alex’s and Jay’s company! Wonderfully we’ve been able to afford and persuade two quality women to come and join us. Hannah looks after our kids’s work; training the leaders and teaching the kids. And Abi pastors our young women; teaching and training them. And already, in a short space of time, the benefits have been tangible. It is terrific having them on board. They bring a different perspective. And they’re such an encouragement.

3. The 10th Birthday Celebration. October saw us celebrate God’s goodness over the last ten years. In October 2002 a fairly inexperienced group of about 20 people started meeting for the first time as Christ Church Balham. Ten years later we’re a church of 130 adults, and one of the founding members reckoned that we’ve said ‘goodbye’ to almost as many in that time. That’s remarkable. But it’s God who’s given us the growth. You only need to look at some of my sermons to know that it wasn’t the quality of preaching that brought people along! But the chance to look back on ten years of faithful gospel ministry and see what God has accomplished through us, in us and despite us was a real treat.

2. Conversions. There’s nothing like it. This year God has been busy behind the scenes in the hearts of a significant number of people. And we couldn’t be happier. I don’t have favourite converts, of course. But there’s one that causes me to rejoice a little more excitedly than the others, if I’m honest. And that’s simply because we seemed to be making so very little progress with one man in our congregation. He’d been hearing the gospel from us for a period of a few years. But very quietly, he went away on his holiday and came back to tell us that he’d given his life to Christ. Priceless.

1. The spiritual highlight of 2012, for me at least, has nothing to do with Christ Church Balham. It has to do with my family. It’s hearing my daughter praying in her room after she’d finished her Bible study, completely unaware that I was passing outside her room. This wasn’t prayer for show. It was the honest pouring out of her heart to her loving heavenly Father. And it completely knocked me for six. It was real and it was for the conversion of one of her closest friends. In all honesty, if I got to the end of my life and all three of our children knew, loved and served the Lord, I’d die a very happy man. I’d take that every time over recognition, acclaim or anything that local church ministry might afford its’ practitioners.

So all in all it’s not been a bad year, has it? Praise the Lord.

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Keller’s Good Endeavour

Tim Keller’s new book arrived in the post last week. It’s due to be holiday reading so I’ll have something to say about it in a while.

But for now, here’s a clip of him being interviewed about it on MSNBC.

Keller on MSNBC

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A Pastor’s Struggle with Same Sex Attraction

Vaughan Robert’s interview in Evangelicals Now is well worth a read. Vaughan is the Senior Minister of St Ebbe’s Church Oxford. In this frank and open interview with Julian Hardyman he reveals his struggles with same sex attraction. It’s a very honest account of trying to live a Christ honouring life whilst fighting against temptation. Well done Vaughan. Thank you.

You can find the article here.

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Sorted?

Ed Welch’s latest blog post on the CCEF website struck a chord with some of my recent thinking. It’s entitled ‘Do you feel like a failure?’

I touched on a similar theme in the Senior Minister’s letter at our annual church review. It’s less elegantly put, of course, but here’s what I wrote,

Dear Friends

Let’s be honest for a moment. We’d all prefer to be sorted, wouldn’t we?

I’d like my life to be more sorted than it is. I’d like to be a more sorted individual than I am. I’d like to be a more sorted Christian than I am. And I’m going to assume that you’re not that different. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a good and healthy desire. I’m aware that not being sorted has negative implications for me, for others and also for my relationship with God. Undoubtedly life would be better if I was more sorted. But I’d also quite like to be known as being sorted. And that’s significantly less healthy. It has to do with creating a perception. It’s about cultivating and enhancing a reputation amongst others. It’s fundamentally self-centred. And Jesus is meant to be the hero of my Christian life!

But if I want to be well thought of amongst others then I may be reluctant to admit that I’m far from sorted. And I might be resistant to any suggestion that there are ways in which I’m not sorted. I’ll probably react quite strongly to the loving correction of friends who recommend that repentance may be the way forward. But this inability or unwillingness to admit our failures and our frailty creates a corrosive influence in a church. Church becomes a place where we pretend. We pretend that we’re sorted. Of course, we have to pretend that we’re sorted because we’re not. But we won’t admit it. And so people don’t get the real us. They get an elaborate hoax. And so real relationships can’t happen. And if everyone else seems sorted then new people feel that they have to be sorted in order to belong.  And so they have to pretend (or they look elsewhere because they can’t keep up the pretence). And if we maintain the myth that only sorted middle class families with sorted kids or sorted young professional people with sorted lives are welcome at CCB then the whole thing becomes self-perpetuating. And that’s disastrous. It means we can’t really be church.

In his book ‘Life Together, Prayerbook of the Bible’, the German theologian Dietrich Boenhoffer wrote,

It is possible that Christians may remain lonely in spite of daily worship together, prayer together, and all their community through service – that the final breakthrough to community does not occur precisely because they enjoy community with one another as pious believers, but not with one another as those lacking piety, as sinners. For the pious community permits no one to be a sinner. Hence all have to conceal their sins from themselves and from the community. We are not allowed to be sinners.

The question that has increasingly occupied my mind in the second half of this year has been this; ‘is CCB a place where we feel able to be open about our frailty and our failures?’ I’m not at all convinced that it is. That we are. And that’s not great. And I’d love us to prayerfully work to change that. Of course, we don’t want to condone sin and say that it doesn’t matter. It does. It’s wicked. And God wants us to repent of it. Unrepentant sinners need always to be gently and lovingly challenged about their sin. We care for people too much to let them wreck their lives as they’re ravaged by sin. So we want to be a church in which sinners (like us) can be honest about our sinful failures so that we can receive the help that we so desperately need. We want repentant sinners to be comforted with the gospel. But to do that we need to admit our sin; generally to everyone and specifically to some (we don’t need to tell everyone everything). We want CCB to be a place where sinners can come and find help to repent of their sins, find reassurance in the gospel, find encouragement for the fight and find accountability in the struggles.

So what does this mean in practice? How about putting some of these into practice.

Be prepared to reveal a little more about your struggles than you have previously.

Allude to some of your failures.

Let people find out a little more about what goes on behind the front door of your family home.

Put some flesh on the bones of your prayer requests in small group.

Be absolutely straight with your spouse.

Don’t hide what needs to be said to your prayer triplet.

Be honest about your failures.

Be humble and admit to your frailty.

Let people know that you’re not what you seem; that people don’t know the half of how bad and useless you are.

In short, be authentic.

We’re not sorted. We’re miles from being sorted. And we don’t want to be a church full of people who pretend that we are. We’re not. Jesus died because we’re not sorted and never could be this side of heaven. So let’s not pretend. Jesus thinks that we’re sinners. And it’s never a good idea to be on the opposite side to Jesus in an argument.

With love from one struggling sinner to others

perks

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4 Reasons for Kids to Obey Their Parents (not that they’ll listen)

In a previous post I looked at the unmistakable, non-negotiable biblical command for kids to obey their parents.

Of course, as we all know, it’s one thing to know what to do. But usually knowing what to do provides little help in motivating us to actually doing it. If merely knowing what I’m meant to do was enough reason to motivate me then I’d have stopped eating quite so many Mr Kipling Almond Slices a long time ago. Biblical obedience is about doing the right thing for the right reasons. And God motivates us to obedience with reasons. And so Paul provides four of them for kids. Look at Ephesians 6:1&2 again,

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honour your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

So here are the four reasons;

1. Kids are meant to obey their parents ‘in the Lord’ because it’s part and parcel of being a Christian. It’s what discipleship as a kid looks like – you obey your parents. If Jesus means anything to our kids, if they love him and his ways because of what he’s done for them then they can show their loving response in this way. So kids can’t think that their being faithful disciples of the Lord Jesus if they’re not obeying their parents. But if our kids are serious about following the Lord Jesus, as many of them are, then we need to help them understand that this means doing what their parents say.

2. Kids are meant to obey their parents because it’s right. The Bible doesn’t often use this argument. But God is saying it’s self-evidently what kids ought to do. Let’s put it the other way round. If children don’t obey their parents then it’s wrong. It’s just not the way God designed the world to be. And choosing to live counter to the way the world was designed may be courageous. But mainly it’s stupid.

3. Kids are meant to obey their parents because it characterises the godly lifestyle of God’s redeemed people. Honouring your parents is one of the Ten Commandments. God gave these to His redeemed people on Mount Sinai in Exodus 20. Obedience to those commandments was never intended to be the way to get redeemed. It was too late for that. They were already redeemed. It was meant to be a loving response to God’s redemption. It was part of being God’s new holy people. And so if our kids want to respond to God’s redemption in Christ then obeying their parents is one of ten obvious ways that they can do that!

4. Kids are meant to obey their parents because it’s the way to flourish in life. Paul supported his command to children by quoting the fifth commandment from Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. In the original Old Testament context, obedience to the fifth commandment resulted in material prosperity and long life in the Promised Land. But when Paul applied it to Christians, he generalised it. I take it therefore that it’s a general principle and not a cast iron guarantee. But, all things being equal and generally speaking, children that have been brought up being obedient to their parents, observing the God given authority over them are more likely to live long and prosper. Think about it for a moment,

• If your pre-school and primary school aged kids are the wild unruly ones, they won’t get invited to parties, they won’t get play dates and so on – it won’t go well for them in their early years.
• If they’re the ones who don’t do what the teacher says in their primary and secondary school aged years then their experience of the education system will be unpleasant and they won’t learn what they could – it won’t go well for them in their teenage years.

As parents, we’re tempted to do whatever makes for a quiet life. But this is more important than that. Disobedient children tend to become disobedient adolescents and then disobedient adults. If they remain unwilling to submit to any authority that God places over them, it will not go well for them. Or for us! But if we teach them this essential truth in the short run we’re doing them a massive favour in the long run.

I’m aware that I need to give the biblical rationale to my kids much more than I have. They need to understand the reasons for obeying their parents. Usually they just get the second one communicated at an excessive volume! But it’s not motivating them in ways that are healthy, or Christian. I want them to obey us because they’re persuaded by all four of these reasons. And I want their response to our authority to be fuelled by the gospel and their increasing love for Jesus. I’m not saying we’re there yet. But at least I’m clearer on where I’m heading!

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The Path of Least Resistance – The Disaster of ‘Child Centred Parenting’

Full disclosure – this is my default position. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. After years of practice I’ve become an expert. It happens every time our kids kick off. One of them in particular has the ability to press my buttons. He (that’s whittled it down to two) never chooses an appropriate moment in which to dig his heels in (there’s a clue). It’s often in public. And that’s embarrassing. Or if it’s not, we’re usually supposed to be somewhere else. And that’s inconvenient. And so what do I do? I take the path of least resistance. I give in to his demands. He wins. I hate it.  And it’s disastrous. But it works. At least in the short term. And that’s all I’m really interested in at the time.

‘Child centred parenting’ is the phrase I’ve come to use to describe running family life around the the needs, desires and tantrums of our kids. I’m not even sure if this is a phrase that get’s used anywhere else. It may not be accurate. But I’m not that fussed. I’m not an avid reader of parenting magazines and books. I read ‘Shepherding a Child’s Heart’ by Ted Tripp and knew that I didn’t need to read much else because it was brilliant. My issue isn’t so much with what we choose to call it but the phenomenon of making the child the centre of their own little universe. When we do that, we make everyone else planets in their solar system and we encourage the child to think that others exist simply to revolve around them. That’s a profoundly distasteful world-view to give any kid.

But child centred parenting is the modus operandi of most of the families I know. It’s what most of us do most of the time, isn’t it? We want a quiet life. And if little Jonny is going to be pacified then we need to surrender to his demands. And so we run up the parenting white flag, he puts down his weapons of mass destruction and we’re all better off, aren’t we? Not in the long run. Can you think of a better way to raise a self obsessed, selfish brat than to reinforce his impression that other people are there to satisfy his needs and that he can get his own way simply by being obnoxious and making a scene?!

I’ve been doing a bit of work in Ephesians 6 this week. That’s a passage that puts the biblical cat amongst the parenting pigeons. Look at what it says in verses 1 and 2,

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honour your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth”.

Paul’s words (and therefore God’s words) require kids to be obedient. Christian children should obey their parents. Paul includes four reasons to motivate obedience. And we’ll cover those in a later post. But for now, let’s think about obedience. It’s just not a very child centred approach, is it Paul?

But the requirement is straightforward; obey. That’s it. Obedience. It’s not ‘submission’ like it is for a wife. Submission has to do with willingly placing yourself under the authority of someone else. Obedience is doing what you’re told to do without challenge, without excuse and without delay. God has invested authority in parents so that they might take responsibility for the raising and nurturing of their kids. And so those of us who are parents need to take this on board. This isn’t a negotiable. It’s a requirement. We need to declare war on our kids’ refusal to obey the authority God has given to us. Our kids may want us to obey their desires. But it’s not what they want that ultimately matters. It’s what we want that matters more. And what God wants that matters most. So we’ll need to be sensible about what we make ‘an obedience issue’. But the bottom line is that kids need to obey their parents when it’s clear that this is what’s required.

Strikingly, the command is actually addressed to children. And so, as part of our parenting responsibilities, we need to train our kids to appreciate and apply this biblical exhortation. Think about this. Every time we give in to our kids demands we undermine the view that God’s authority in parents should be obeyed. But every time we refuse to surrender to their demands we reinforce the view that God’s authority in parents should be observed. As with all things parenting, it’s a process not an event!

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